Bathing Fours
by Great Pikmin Fan
Summary: Extremely surreal one-shots about groups of four characters bathing (a quick story for each pair, then all four together). I might rework this from the ground up later. The first chapter was written, in its entirety, over just one day. WARNING: This story has Hank Hill. Yes, he's the guy on the cover art. Massive crack fic. Fandoms listed per chapter.
1. Team GIFfany Land (Gravity Falls)

**Bathing Fours**

 **Chapter 1: .GIFfany Land** **Group (Soos, .GIFfany, Melody, Rumble)**

 **Beginning AN:**

I'm _probably_ going to regret this tomorrow, if not as soon as I get this published... well, either way:

Happy third anniversary of my 7th-ish maybe favorite episode of the show! Right, in addition to updating _Escape From Fanservice Island_ , I decided to try just writing BS like this in one day. Maybe I'll continue this and focus on another group of four characters. Maybe I'll move it to general crossovers and expand beyond just _Gravity Falls_. Either way, I'm doing another goofy 'one-off' side project (along with _Axe Effect_ ), and this chapter was written in its entirety in just a day. Enjoy this trainwreck!

To get things out of the way, I will currently **NOT BE TAKING REQUESTS.** Sorry to be a little blunt about this, but I'd rather kind of work on this at my own pace and it's kind of based on my own in-jokes and not so much hyper-popular ships. For example, if this actually goes anywhere, the next chapter might involve Stan and the Summerween Trickster among the roation of four. And if I expand this to other fandoms, the first non- _Gravity Falls_ one **will** be about the four alley guys from _King of the Hill_ bathing together. Just to give you an idea that this is supposed to be at least somewhat silly, and not just ship wish fulfillment. Please don't try jumping on me to do Dipper/Wendy/Pacifica/Mabel because believe me, that will have the opposite effect. And I don't put kids in situations like this unless they're unambiguously aged up. You are, however, absolutely free to do your own version of this, I won't be like "YOU STOLE MY IDEA I'M CALLING LAWYERS" just have fun. So long as you do not copy-paste from this fic, or copy-paste from anything else. I really do hate fics that copy-paste anything - especially the exact same conversations from canon.

By the way, reading _The Journals of Wisdom, Power, and Courage_ might help you understand this a little more.

-line break-

 **(Melody and Rumble - Bath Bathers)**

"So you can blow things up? And throw stuff? And you have super strength?"

Melody was practically examining every bit of the blond fighter in front of her as both of them relaxed in the given tub for the story. No bubbles - that particular couple did not care for them, although the other two did.

"Yes. Indeed." Rumble replied, nodding. "And a good bath in true training style is part of the reason why I became this way!"

"Is _this_ one of those baths?"

"No. But I can show you!"

Melody's eyes were almost sparkling - wait, I know that happens in _Steven Universe_ , does it happen here too?

"You see... you have to step things up! Baths will not revitalize your body and mind! You need... A SHOWER!"

He somehow extended the nozzle of the bath up, then twisted some things, causing it to act as a fully-functioning shower head. He held it above his own head as he continued elaborating, all while Melody just sat on her side in awe.

"...And turn up the WA-TER PRE-SSURE!"

He adjusted something, causing the nozzle to spray out what was not 'water' so much as it was a series of vertical hard bars that pushed him down under the water.

"Are you okay?" Melody asked, swimming to him. Placing a hand under water to try to-

He emerged with a roar, punching against the firing spray of water.

"HIGH PRESSURE! HIGH TEMPERATURE!"

He spun the red 'hot' knob until the water spraying out turned to steam (which was still rock-hard from the pressure), and that eventually turned to fire. That, too, he sprayed on his face, getting a gasp from Melody.

"AND... DANGER WHILE I BATHE!"

Then he _slammed_ some completely new button on. It looked like a tornado...

Oh.

Instead of jetting out in orange spikes, the fire turned in to an egg beater-like shape. He stabbed that in to the middle of the tub, causing a physics-spitting move which made four tornados shoot up from the water.

"EXXXX-TREEEEEME BATHE-IIIING!"

Melody had to hold on as her tub began to fly off in to the air, pulled by a storm of high-pressure spinning fire. They crashed through the boring old bathroom wall, the tub spinning over through the peaceful, quiet forest outside. (Just to give an idea for future reference on where the building these are set in takes place.) After crashing to the branches of the tree, with 99% of the water spilling out, Melody was shivering. She kept her knees huddled up to her as she grinned, the tornados finally dying down. Rumble continued to shoot himself with the flames, seemingly not too harmed with it.

"That was... AWESOME!" She cheered. "Can you do it again?"

-line break-

 **(Melody and Soos - Bubbled)**

Melody raised a leg up, scrubbed it, and watched the water running off on her bubble-less side.

Her bare body was barely hidden by the rippling cleansing pool, in contrast to every inch of Soos bar his eyes being covered in a mass of suds.

She didn't really get to asking until he deliberately blew a stray bubble. It flew to her nose and popped.

They locked eyes, and she laughed.

"What is that...?"

"Bubble-fort."

"Can I come in?"

"...I don't know. There's, like, applications and paper work and stuff."

"I'm coming in!"

"Uh, wait-!"

Laughing, Melody got up to her edge of the tub, sat there, and practically made some kind of westling-jump to the pile up bubbles -

She found everything suddenly getting bigger on her way there, and slammed knee-first in to water much deeper than what she was expecting.

The whole room appeared bigger from her perspective, and by where she was at, she noticed something about the bubble fort that she did not before: the part close to her actually had a small, rectangular opening that looked oddly smooth and oddly fitting for swimming in to. And it was surrounded by a patch of bubbles that looked roughly building-shaped.

"S-...Soos?" Melody asked, looking up to see that, on closer inspection, the 'eyes' of Soos were actually fake styrofoam balls. Well, time to swim in.

She soon found herself in a lobby of sort made of foam, with a number of cyan-tinted Soos lookalikes appearing to swim around in a frenzy, pounding away on bubble-computers and writing various foam paperwork. There was one Soos of his original color scheme, sitting on a bench made of bubbles on a 'solid' platform.

"Soos?!" Melody looked around the office building/fortress. "Do you know what this is?! I'm confused. And that's saying a lot. You know... magician."

"I don't know!" He replied. "I just started getting as many bubbles as I could, and then suddenly I was in this place trying to make trade deals with the Land of Conditioner! I think I just sold Gompers, I don't know! I can't read the fine print! Even regular print's hard in this world, when everything is just white or light gray-ish white!"

"...Can we get out?" Asked Melody, resting her arms on the platform Soos was on.

"...I think I'll have to make an agreement."

"You cannot do that, my fine fellow!" Said one of the Soos-copies. "Tally O, this be an irrefutable deal! You stay with us in our world and complete our trade loans, earning fifty billion Bubblebucks, but if you wish to return to your life in the non-suds plain, you will in turn banish yourself from here forever. Do you understand the circumstances, matey?"

"...No money will keep me away from my friends and my girlfriend! No deal!" Said Soos, standing up from his seat. All around, working in bubble office cubicals, his tealer palette swaps all gasped in unison. It... actually sounded pretty cool.

"Very well then!" Shouted another Cyan Soos, which was right behind the original. "Begone! We do not need you! You are hereby legally defined at being terrible at finance! If you prop open a good ol' dictionary, you will see your entry under 'financially underqualified!' I guarantee! _Such_ is the consequence of not being signed up with our agreement with the Land of Conditioner!"

Foam covered his and Melody's vision, spinning around in a flurry. Once it cleared, they were both leaned against opposite ends of the bath tub, heads back looking at the ceiling, and overall appearing as though they were just stoned out of their minds.

"...Wow. I thought I was just playing with bubbles." Said Soos. "But I ended up learning a valuable lesson in economics."

" _What_ lesson?" Asked Melody.

"You have to have money before you start playing in a bubble-bath."

Actually, hang on. I want to say something now that I've thought about this a little.

This is kind of what I was expecting _Gravity Falls_ to be like when I first heard of it, but before I saw the show. Like, not so much "'regular' world with the occasional weird stuff," but "the world looks normal for like ten seconds and then something completely incomprehensible and never explained happens every ten seconds." Sort of closer in line to _Adventure Time_.

-line break-

 **(Melody and .GIFfany - Putting the Past Behind)**

"That was a really nice way to wrap that up." Said Melody, eyeing her wine glass. One thing she _did_ like about being an adult was that she could at least drink. It burned her throat and tasted like what would happen if grapes could vomit, but it did make her look more badass, which was definitely worth it. "None of us got hurt, we repaired everything, you became... sane."

"It is a shame you and Soos did not end up together." Remarked .GIFfany. "You two were cute together."

"Yeah... well, we should be happy for him and his new girlfriend."

She nodded.

"We should forget about that, this is a date!"

In agreement, .GIFfany reached behind the tub and brought out a small screen.

"We already had dinner," said the octopus woman, getting a giggle from Melody, "this is our movie."

As she pressed a few buttons and slid some card in to the pink smart phone, an image was brought up-

It was the Love God, for some reason. Except he had red skin, was covered in tattoos reading "666," and had horns and a devil tail. Becides him was a skeleton with eyelashes(?)

"WHOOOOO!" He shouted. "GET READY FOR THIS! ARE YOU READY TO SEE SOME RITUALISTIC DEMON-SUMMONING?! I AM YOUR HOST, THE LUST DEVIL, AND WELCOME TO THE DEEP BOWELS OF HELL!"

The skeleton said, in a voice that sounded kind of fitting to a 90 year old woman: "You should be _extremely jealous,_ that you are not dating someone like the Lust Devil! WE'RE DEMONS FROM HELLLLLL!"

"...What is this?" Asked Melody. "I actually know a little bit about demons, but this looks like a whole 'nother level."

"I don't know!" Said .GIFfany. "This isn't _PunchKiss 9_!"

Both of their eyes widened at something accompanied with a "HEEELLL!"

"TURN IT OFF!" Melody shouted.

"I'm trying!" By 'trying,' .GIFfany meant that she held the image with one hand and punched it with the other.

"Can you jump inside of it and-"

"I am _NOT_ touching those things with a ten meter pole!"

In a panic, .GIFfany sent a huge stream of electricity through the device. Nothing. Then it slipped out of her hands, emerging itself in the bath.

That caused the water to turn blood red, boiling. The sound of several voices whispering black speech came as the Lust Devil emerged from the center.

 **"GREETINGS, PAWNS!"** Said the red demon. **"I AM THE LUST DEVIL, THE FIRST OF THE SEVEN-"**

.GIFfany zapped him. Melody was already out of the tub, running over to repeatedly hit him in the back of the head with a pole. At the very least, the water stopped doing all that Satan-y stuff.

The Lust Devil lept out of the tub, and was followed by .GIFfany preparing a lightning ball.

"I am enfused with the great defense of the bones of the various Consumers of the Ancient Worlds!" He bragged, deflecting both Melody and .GIFfany's strikes with his flaming fists. It was a pretty quick series of back-and-forths. "I regularly kill and eat Time Giants for breakfast! Did you know that the Time Baby is the only one left standing? Well, I'm 1% of the reason _**WHY!**_ **"**

Melody just splashed the wine on his face. Which casued a loud sizzling noise as he gripped it.

"NO! MY ONE WEAKNESS! THAT I HAVE TOO MANY WEAKNESSES!" He shouted, before exploding in a fireball. Only his right hand remained, which was held by a skeletal arm.

"...I _hate_ that guy." Said Melody. "Now, as I was saying, it sure was great that you stopped killing people."

"Yeah..." .GIFfany went towards the tub, splashing her hand along the water. Checking that, you know, there was no Satan-y stuff in it. "I was terrible. You can't force somebody in to a relationship."

"Amen. That's really creepy."

"Yes, a terrible thing."

"Absolutely!"

"Hey, in my defense, my canonical self never tried to murder people after a breakup!" Said the Lust Devil. Through his hand. Which had a mouth on the palm, but that was not how he talked. He talked through mild-alteration, and the hand was just there to consume souls. "I don't understand why _I'm_ the demon here!"

"What's a 'canonical self?'" Asked .GIFfany.

"Isn't that just for comic books and stuff?" Melody replied, stabbing the hand with her pole. It poofed away in black smoke, which let out the "Thank you"s that were of the trillions of undeserving souls he ate for breakfast. And no, his kind doesn't need to eat to survive, he does it for leisure.

"...I think?"

"By the way, you are also braver than me. Not only did you talk me out of killing with no powers, you are touching him with a ten-meter pole."

"Oh, this is an eleven-meter pole." She said.

Both women laughed.

I'M JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE DEMONIZATION, BY THE WAY. The joke is that it's over the top. Don't take offense and think that I've actually taken offense at "The Love God."

-line break-

 **(Rumble and Soos - Fishing)**

Soos thrashed around the tub, staying as far as he could aside from punching the water.

That managed to break Rumble from his meditation.

"Is something troubling you?" Asked the fighter.

"Yes! I swear I saw a fish in the bathtub!"

"...Are you sure?"

"Have you read my little adventure with Melody? Anything's possible in these bath tubs of mystery!"

"Well then! I see a challenge!"

The water was a bit murky (Rumble _always_ had to bathe away quite a lot of... well, unpleasant stuff), but they could both still see a shadow darting around.

"Do you want to know how a _REAL FIGHTER_ would fish?"

"Oh man, that sounds cool! Melody told me all about the way you take a bath!"

"THEN I AM NOW GOING TO SHOW YOU!"

...

Rumble now had a hat on and was holding a fishing pole. His pose almost looked identical to his medatative pose.

" _This_ is true fishing." He said. "You must be patient."

"...Do you have any bait?" He asked. "I'm sorry, you just kinda set everything up in ten seconds. I couldn't see what you did."

"Worms, of course. Why would I use something that's not regular bait?"

"...Is this the part where I talk about your idea of showering? Because I'm not sure if I like the idea of walking in to jokes." Soos chuckles. "But it _is_ funny when I see someone else walk right in to an obvious joke.

Finally, there was a pull. With a STRONG YANK, Rumble managed to just take out a fine tuna on the pole.

-line break-

 **(Rumble and .GIFfany - Pixel Perfect)**

PLAYER 1: SELECT FIGHTER

Czar-barian (Russia) Suggessica (China) Hank Hill (U.S.A.) Bank Bill (B.S.A.) **.GIFfany (Japan...?)**

 _"...You gotta stop picking her."_

 _"She's my main, shut up! I like her kicks!"_

 _"You mean to say you like her tits! Hah!"_

PLAYER 2: SELECT FIGHTER

Dr. Karate (Japan) Template Man (Mountainside Temple) Rumble McSkirmish (U.S.A.) Template Man (Mountainside Temple) **Rumble McSkirmish (U.S.A.)**

 _"Rumble? That guy is the worst character on the roster by far! You're cherry tapping by now!"_

.GIFfany made her entrance by zipping out of a television that was apparently in the bathing area the whole time, emerging in a proper and relatively in-character blue bath robe. Rumble dashed in, with a wave of fire around him, and only clad in a towel barely around his waist.

Then .GIFfany took a katana out of her robe and threw the garment off, revealing that she just barely had one patch of suds over each nipple, and another tiny patch over her vagina.

ROUND 1. FIGHT!

The need to announce that this was the first round was odd, since the options were set for this to be a single-round match. Regardless, .GIFfany began the battle by making a leap jump closer to Rumble and trying to slice at him with a simple combo. When she made a kick that turned around, she revealed to the audience that her bathing 'costume' included no ass coverage, exposing her giant rear for everyone to see.

After getting a five-hit combo in, Rumble came back with a flurry. His fists ignited on fire as he jabbed .GIFfany with a 37 hit-combo, then finished it with an uppercut knocking her in a stun.

 _"Aw, what?"_

 _"You ALWAYS start the match with that, dude. You're predictable."_

...And, after landing on the ground, he performed a number of sweeping kicks, chipping away at her health further.

She made a tiny comeback through charging her sword with lightning, cutting up at him, but once he hopped back, her following attack seemingly just left her wide open for a hyper move:

The background darkened as a detailed close-up image of Rumble appeared, surrounded by flame and moving orange light. Once punch to the gut later, and the cyber-scylla was at the mercy of a full-power several hit combo that ended with an explosion animation, followed by the fighter standing over her with his back turned to the camera, showing his embarassing tattoo.

 _"I have a sliver of health left! I can totally make a comeback on you!"_

 _"...Really? Your 3-0 lose streak is not on your side."_

.GIFfany lept back up, took off in to a run, and gave an air-kick to his head. Then, while _he_ was in _his_ split-second stun, .GIFfany's own hyper portrait appeared - compete with a simple breast-bouncing animation - as her legs turned to a nontet of pink tentacles. Lightning began to form from her, striking _up_ to the sky and forming an impressive mini-storm, and she dashed foreward for her hyper...

Rumble blocked the attack almost a split-second later. .GIFfany took one punch to the head, and was sent flying to the bath tile.

 **KO.**

 _"4-0."_

 _"Dammit!"_

 _"Hey, on the bright side, I think this match triggers a cutscene. So you can stare at your virtual girlfriend's fake butt a little longer."_

...

As .GIFfany turned to walk the bath tub that was in the 'background,' she threw off her carefully-placed suds and sulked as she slipped herself in. Rumble kept his towel on as he joined her.

"Cheer up, .GIF-topus." Said Rumble. "You will obtain the power needed to crush your enemies! Even if there are so many!"

She simply folded her arms.

"No. But I _do_ enjoy this time spent bathing with you."

"Do you want our next CHALLENGE to be in the hot springs?"

"Yes!"

-line break-

 **(Soos and .GIFfany - Unpaused)**

Soos nervously rubbed an arm, looking at the pink-haired university student that was pretty close to him.

"Is this your first time bathing with a girl?" She asked.

"Does family count?"

"No."

"Yes."

"...Any questions about this? I want to talk to you."

"Well, uh... you're part octopus, right? Does that mean you can attatch yourself to walls and stuff?"

She swam over to him, bringing her body against him, causing his internal temperature to skyrocket. Actually, his external temperature too. She was really warm for some reason.

"Yes. And I can latch on to _you._ "

He felt her legs changing to tentacles again, wrapping around his body as she pulled herself in to a hug.

"Okay, okay... can you, like, shoot ink?"

"Yes, but it is embarassing. I- well... you would probably not want to hear about that."

"Cool?" He _really_ wanted to take his eyes off her breasts, but as he looked away, they were just fixated on another part. Which caused his last question.

"How did you get your butt that way? Sorry if it's weird, but lately I've been interested in the study of having a good butt. Melody just laughed and said that it's because of junk food and soda..."

.GIFfany closed her eyes and smiled. "I think there is more to it than that. She really does have a nice butt. _God_ I love it..."

"Right. Rumble said he never really kept track. Mr. Pines just says his secret is 'peaches,' whatever that means. What about you? I mean, I think it's kind of weird that most of your back side is kinda flat-ish looking, but then your butt is just _really_ round and _really_ kind of big."

"Well, in-game my character just has a lot of estrogen. But the reality is that my developers liked women with butts like mine."

"..."

She pushed her head on his neck. Her tentacles started crawling up his shoulders, rubbing them lightly.

"Oh, Soos... I wish we could stay like this forever."

"S-s-s-so what else do you have?" He asked, almost shuddering. "Uh, electro-spit? Does water help you because, conducting electricity, or does it hurt you because you were once a video game? No, wait, I need another question... is your ink electrically charged? How many, I mean how much... um... question for me to ask do you have? Argh."

For some reason, her arm grip getting tighter gave him an idea for another question.

"Do you have, like, a robot mode in this real-girl form?"

"Actually, I do!"

"Oh, that's cool! Can I see it?"

To summarize, she kind of turned in to a sort of (nude) .GIFfany mecha that was twice his size, which split the tub in half when it landed.

"Cool! What does it do?"

"Well, it also shoots ink. But it has missiles, bombs, the perfect poisons for capturing a target, and ropes! I have literally _thousands_ of ropes! Would you like to be captured by them right now for an indefinite period of time?"

"...I, uh. I think I would rather go back to talking about your naked butt bathing with me."

.GIFfany sighed in disappointment. "Fine."

-line break-

 **(All Four - The Pizza Reunion)**

"Can I have some?" .GIFfany asked.

"This only regenerates when I eat it. So, it'll be, like, going to waste if anyone else tries to infinity-this. Sorry." Soos replied, taking another bite of his infinite pizza.

"I still want some."

"You'll have to win it in some kind of future-Death Battle game."

Rumble immediately swam through the bath water to press up against Soos as much as he could, on the side opposite to where .GIFfany was practically hypnotized by his inifnite pizza.

"You participated in a death battle?" He asked.

"Well, actually, like, Dipper and Mabel did it for me. They wanted me to see my dad, but I thought it would be better if I fixed them up and give myself a pizza I can eat forever."

"I must find this ultimate death challenge for myself!" He shouted.

"Wait, Rumble..." said Melody. "If two children can beat it, it must be easier than what you're thinking."

"So?" Asked .GIFfany. "That means infinite pizza for everybody!"

"I don't know how to do it, exactly," said Soos, "but I'm pretty sure it's not as simple as 'Hey, Time Cops, I want to go on a Glob-something death match.'"

Those words just-so-happened to make two Time Cops suddenly show up in their bathtub. One of which was right on top of Melody's head... for a split second, then he fell in face-first on Rumble's chest.

"Did you call us?" Asked the one that was not burried in man-pecs at the moment.

"...No." Said Soos.

Rumble, on the other hand, lept out of the tub and pointed at the time traveller.

"I REQUEST THAT YOU TAKE ME TO YOUR CHALLENGE TO PROVE MY WORTH, SO I MAY BECOME STRONGER STILL AND DEFEAT DR. KARATE!"

Soos splashed around, in a desperate attempt to get attention.

"I could just order pizza for everyone! That could work!" He said. "There's no need to go to the future and do time challenges!"

Rumble turned to Soos, using his one non-patched eye to give him a _surprisingly_ big puppy-dog stare. "But I must..."

"Endanger your life? I mean... Time Guys, it's a pretty-"

"Look, we might be time travelers, but we still don't have a lot of time. We're on a tight schedule. Weird fire guy, do you want to take on-"

"No!" .GIFfany answered for him, causing the two to travel away with a tape measure.

"That was a little anti-climactic, don't you think?" Melody asked her.

"That does not matter! I just did not want him to leave like that!"

Three pink tentacles emerged from the large tub, each of them wrapping around another bather. .GIFfany's eyes shone a bright red.

"In fact, I do not want _any_ of you to leave me! _At all!_ _ **EVER!**_ "

The tentacles all brought them towards her, and she gave them a stare for a good, long moment. Then she smiled, her evil stare completely dying down.

"Anyway, I agree with Rumble when it comes to the best way to bathe. You do not, and pick a shower instead! Now, let's see..."

As she turned on the shower head and opened the drain, we zoom out to see Hank Hill in the middle of taking a shit, holding a newspaper in his hand.

"And thus, that ends our first chronicle of my bathhouse adventures. What will the future be like? What will the present be like when Great Pikmin Fan inevidably edits this?" He stood up, quickly cleaned himself with the newspaper, threw the entire paper in the toilet, and followed that by planting his feet in there as well. Oh, after throwing the paper in, he pulled up his pants as well. "You don't know. I don't know. Even he doesn't know. It's not some deep nonsense, it's just that he's a bad rider. Anyway, tune in next time... whenever that is, in...

" **Bathing Fours.** Thank you for reading."

He flushed the toilet, causing an unbearably hot spray of water to get at the showering foursome. All of them cried out in pain, except Rumble of course. And yes, once Hank waved his hand (it was an automatic toilet), he too began spinning as he sank inside the white throne.

-line break-

 **Closing AN:**

Yes, this is pretty much the successor to that awful thing I came up with _496 Reasons_. Except it's actually a comedy that never even tries to take itself seriously. And this might be it, unless I'm really motivated to do more. To be honest, just doing this kind of felt like a huge idea-exhaust; I don't really have much else in mind. Well, if you liked it, good, if you didn't, that's okay.

And this is definitely supposed to be weird.

DECEMBER 18 (2017) EDIT: I forgot to write the ending of the .GIFfany/Soos part, because rushed. I fixed that. It's just, like, everything after "perfect poisons for capturing." Originally it cut off there. Remember, I wrote this all in one day. Also, to prep for Chapter 2 (yeah, I _am_ going back to this after all), I changed the title from " _Journals_ Group" to ".GIFfany Land Group." Because there might be other groups of four based on _Journals_ \- not specifically Stan, Ford, McGucket, and the Summerween Trickster. Because I'm implying there's a romance element to this bullcrap and Stan/Ford would be weird. I mean, they have to like one-another enough to be bathing around each-other. Naked.

Oh, one thing to clarify: this is not canon to _Journals of Wisdom, Power, and Courage_ (otherwise they would be talking a lot about these weird things, especially the Soos/Melody one). They are 'canon' to each-other, which is why each party has mentioned the other people. They are not even set in some 'split timeline/universe' after the events of _Journals_ \- otherwise .GIFfany wouldn't still be a stalker asshole.


	2. The Alley Guys (King of the Hill)

**Bathing Fours**

 **Chapter 2: The Alley Guys (Hank, Dale, Bill, Boomhauer)**

* * *

 **(Dale and Boomhauer - Explosives)**

"Did you know that an 'ordinary bubble bath' can also be used to make a bomb?" Dale asked. In the buff. Sitting in the tub - you know the premise of this story already. That should not need to be explained. "I gotta say, I've _got_ to have at least... three bombs. Would have been more. But, you know, can't find too many discarded tubs."

Boomhauer nodded.

Then a tank turret peeked out from the bath. Dale absolutely _freaked out,_ leaping back, holding his arms out in the defensive.

"Shi-shi- _SHHAAAW OH NO!_ It's _THEM!_ The government! They overheard me talking about bombs and now-"

"Heymanchill likeIsayits justalittlefling upmanlikeheyman comewannaseemy interdimensionalbathtub and shesalllike, ya' know, 'Yo.' Man." Boomhauer replied.

As he clearly said, the turret turned out to really just be a costume piece (specifically a hat. You don't wear clothes to a bath tub!) of a woman, who emerged fully and soon got herself wrapped around Boomhauer's arm.

"Oh." Dale nervously chuckled. "Right, right..."

"Yeah. Because the _real_ government agents don't emerge from the tub! They creep up behind you. Like this."

Dale turned around and gasped, seeing a muscular man behind him wearing a full suit, and with sunglasses that actually had cameras in the lenses.

Shoot.

* * *

 **(Bill and Boomhauer - Single)**

"Yep." Bill nodded, waving his head back and forth as he sat in his tub. "I mean, yep. Just two single guys... livin' the single life... sharing a single bath together..."

Boomhauer stayed silent.

"I mean, I've accepted that there's not much _wrong_ with not having a wife, or anything. It _would_ be nice, but... oh, and having a _son_ would be nice, too, but... well, that's where friends come in."

Boomhauer stayed silent.

"Yep. I'd like to think of Hank as, like, a 'neo-wife.' Something that goes _beyond_ having a spouse. Oh, and Peggy _especially._ Every time I'm near her - this is just between us 'neo-spouses' - I smell the lovely sent of-"

Boomhauer reached down in the bathtub, pulled out _another_ tub that was the same size, held it up, and slammed it down on the ground so that they were parallel. Then the ranger got out of the 'shared' tub, got in his own, and put on a set of noise-cancelling headphones.

Bill frowned.

Boomhauer stayed silent.

* * *

 **(Bill and Dale - Guns)**

"NO NO NO DON'T POINT THAT AT ME WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS! I PROMISE I WON'T TRY TO KILL MYSELF _THIS_ CHRISTMAS!"

Bill exclaimed that. Because Dale, across the bath from him, had a gun pointed in his general direction.

Dale fired.

In to the water. Shadows beneath the surface danced around.

"Damn fish!" Dale swore. "The term 'shooting fish in a barrel' is used for _easy_ things! This should be easy too!"

"Well, now, have you tried using bait? Uh... something about... flies and honey? Boomhauer talks about that _all_ the time, but I've been drinking a lot lately, so I can never remember his words. I can't remember Hank's much, either..."

"That's a great idea! Do you have the tools-"

Bill reached to the sides of the bathtub with both hands. In one hand, a fishing rod. In the other, a box full of worms.

"...How-" Dale began.

"Oh, I fish while I bathe all the time! I even get most of my bait from here! I'm even called... the bathtub master baiter!"

Yeah that was too obvious of a joke, let's move on. NEXT.

* * *

 **(Hank and Boomhauer - Business)**

"Heymanlike what'reyoudoing manonthetublike withapaperandpenandfaxmachine andinthisImean, thisislikepersonal time, man."

Boomhauer asked that while he was looking at Hank, who typed furiously on a... well, _typewriter_ of all things on his side of the bath tub. Hank only looked up once from his quick typing, and replied with but one word:

" _Business._ " He said.

* * *

 **(Hank and Dale - Wives)**

"Ya' know Hank," Dale said, casually using a back-scrubber to scrub his back. "I just realized something."

Hank sighed on the other end. Again, trying his _damndest_ to avoid... conflict. _Contact._ Just about anything that could be thought of to begin with the letters 'co.' "What is it, Dale?"

"What if our wives know that we've been having these weird baths together like this? You don't think that _they'll_ think something funny is going on, will you?"

"...I'm pretty sure they would, Dale. You don't just _explain_ what we've been all doin' lately. Hell, it took a _lot_ to convince me to do this! And it took me even more to oversee those two people and their vidya games. I mean, teleporting through a toilet? What on _Earth_ did I agree to when I signed up for that?"

Dale nodded. "I see... I see..."

"There ain't much to see about it."

A sigh from the man with the hat and sunglasses. Yes, that he was wearing to the bath. "Ya' know I just don't want Nancy to get the wrong idea. I mean, imagine if she got suspicious of me cheating on her-"

"You realize she was cheating on you with John Redcorn for fourteen years, right?"

Hank clasped his hands over his mouth once he said that.

Dale, 'surprisingly,' just calmly nodded. "Oh, yeah! You didn't watch 'To Sirloin With Love?' I figured that out! I thought the writers did a pretty good job of implying that!"

* * *

 **(Hank and Bill - Lonely)**

Hank kept his head down. Until, just finally, he said it.

"You know what, Bill? I'm glad it's just the two of us now. 'Cuz I think you're the closest friend who understands what I'm feelin' right now. Ya' see... I don't like this new... _anything_ I've been goin' through."

"'Anything' what?" Bill answered. Previously, he was just kind of staring at Hank and humming.

"Well... I mean, _come on!_ Reality-bending bath tub situations? Cross-overs with series I didn't even know existed! I've- I've _seen the script!_ I _**die**_ in many of these stories! _Sweet Jade and Hella John_ , I'm gunned down by some weird 'troll' with this blue blood that wears all this gold. In the original. _Might_ happen in the 'remake' too. Bill- I mean- sorry to bring this up. You know, old wounds and whatnot, but... you've... felt like this, haven't you? Lost... and empty... and nothing makes sense..."

Bill turned his head downwards and began looking at his toes through the water, which he wiggled around. "Yeah... I mean- yeah. After all of this... all this magic, all this fun, meeting weird new aliens... I'm still the same loney single guy I was back when it was just us in Arlen. It felt like nothing really changed."

Hank glanced off to the side, but lightly 'swam' over towards Bill. "It felt like _everything's_ changed for me..."

"... _We're_ still the same. Mostly."

Hank, by that point, had approached Bill completely. As the usually-bespectacled man got near him, Bill blushed. He blushed harder when Hank put a hand on his chin.

"Yes. We are the same."

"The four of us."

"Well, right now, it's more like just the _two_ of us..."

They kissed.

* * *

 **(All Four - Yep)**

They were sitting with their knees buckled to their chests, horizontally across the wide end of the fancy, white curved tub, each holding a can of beer.

"Yep." Said Dale.

"Yyyyyep." Said Bill.

"Mm-hmm." Said Boomhauer.

Hank sighed, standing up. "You know what? No. This is dumb. Why are we bathing together?"

The other three men stared at him. Hank continued:

"We should be _showering_ instead!"

He stood up and went to the nozzles, which got Dale to lean in in protest:

"Uh, Hank, I don't think that's a good idea..." He said.

"Why not? There _should_ be a built-in shower head. All baths are now required to transform in to showers. It's state law."

"Because I used those tools to start a bomb-"

 _BOOM!_

Yep.

The guys were all sent flying around the bathroom. Screaming. "BWAH!"ing in Hank's case. Bill went through the window, flying out. Boomhauer just fell on the floor, landing on his chest with his whole lower half sticking up (his legs comically flopping over). Dale just hit his side against the room's sink.

Hank hit his groin against the toilet. That made him cry out in pain.

" _AAAAARRRGH!_ " He screamed. Or, the sound he made was the exact same sound he made when Bobby kicked him in the groin.

A mildly-annoyed Homer Simpson opened the door, peering in.

"Hey! Keep it down, will you? I mean, I _am_ up next, after all!"

* * *

 **Closing AN:**

So at first I wanted to "begin this year" on ffn with something _Mario_ -related, as I ended last year with something _Mario_ -related (the "Reset Button" _SBIGlet_ ). And yet I wrote this to be _King of the Hill_ -related anyway. But then I realized something: _technically_ Reset Button ended with a stupid, non-"canon" KOTH-related clip, so... I ended last year with KOTH, I'll begin this year with KOTH!

Does this fan fic have anything to do with _Bobby Hill Gets Hit by a Car_? I have no idea. But it's unlikely.

Next up: I have no idea, although I confirmed Homer I guess. But, if you could tell from the little things here and there about this, I'm _kind of_ setting up _something_ of continuity with this piece of garbage.

"Will we see Soos, Melody, .GIFfany, and Rumble again?" If you have to ask this in any story they appear in (except Rumble, I've been kinda giving him the shaft screentime-wise) then you obviously don't know my _Gravity Falls_ fanworks.

Also I didn't really look this over at all that much. Happy Valentine's Day.

"Hey that thing of __Roy_ you just posted had four people bathing together was that a reference to this?" Actually it wasn't. That's just a coincidence. Or me being semi-unoriginal and unknowingly taking stuff from myself. Heck, I didn't really get to writing this until a few days before I planned to publish it, and I think by that time I already planned out the bathing part, so maybe the bath scene in URMOD kind of lit a spark in my head to come back to this and finally give you a Hank Hill, Sage of Forest chapter.


End file.
